I was reminded by a friend today that marriage vows are for better and for worse. I didn't hesitate when I gave my vows to my husband. But, somehow, I had thought that the challenge would be (if it came) HIS sickness. I had thought about it and knew that I would stand by him no matter what befell him. And, to be honest, over 16 years I haven't had too much difficulty keeping to that.
What I hadn't considered was how hard it would be to accept him standing by me in MY illness. He's working a full-time job and moonlighting while I sit on the couch trying to put my life into order. I feel so guilty.
I hadn't counted on being the helpless one-the dependent one. There are times when I don't know why he stays. I'm a burden. I don't contribute much to the household. Wouldn't his life be easier without me weighing him down? The irony is that I know that I wouldn't contemplate leaving if our situations were reversed. But there's still a part of me that really doesn't understand why he stays.
Jill (my psychiatrist) once suggested to me that letting someone else help me is a form of generosity. On one hand, when I think of how frustrating it is to try to help my mother, I understand exactly what she's saying. But when it comes to accepting help myself... that's not so easy.
Dear Lord, please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.