Can't Sleep

It's 5:00 am and I can't sleep.   I tried going to bed-took my pill and everything. But I just kept thinking about yesterday.  So I guess I should write it up and get it out of my system.

Yesterday morning, D and I were having sex before the alarm. We ended up doing something just a bit out of our ordinary. It involved pressure on my cervix.   And then, even though I was enjoying, I also started getting very agitated.   Next thing I knew, I was curled up in a defensive ball crying.

I don't actually have any memories of sexual abuse. But I've got an awful lot of reasons to consider it likely to have happened.   This is the closest I've gotten to a memory. My mind might not remember but my body sure does.   Afterward, I found myself asking D over and over again to reassure me that I hadn't done anything wrong.

I hadn't thought about it but it makes sense.   I know that my father currently believes that young girls intentionally tease him and try to seduce him.  (He's explicitly said so.)   It hadn't occurred to me that be might have believed that when I was a child too. But if I assume that, everything fits together.  It explains why I still wonder whether I've done anything wrong when a man expresses interest in me. It explains why I never thought about sex outside of the context of punishment until I met D.  I think that my dad used to molest me. And I think that he used to tell me that it was my fault for tempting him.   It I'd been a "good" girl, he would have left me alone.

 No wonder I'm so messed up!